…is that they scare me. 🙂
The mere mention of some creep looking in a window or people showing up randomly is enough to have me looking over my shoulder every few seconds to catch an imaginary person. I have thoroughly checked the small room in which I live and my roommate is here, so I know nothing will happen and no one will get in, but I’m still terrified.
Greater is He that is in me than he who is in the world… there’s a promise to cling to, but it’s hard sometimes in the dark. All I really want to do right now is turn on the light and sleep like that.
Where to begin? How ’bout I start with yesterday and today and work backward? That sounds good.
Yesterday was a hard day. There are just so many things going on here that have begun to take a toll on me emotionally, dragging up past experiences and recognizing fears… plus I’ve been in quite a bit of physical pain due to the accident, and that doesn’t help anything.
Last night, everything just built to a fever pitch… and my back/shoulder was killing me. It got to the point where most of the left side of my upper body was immobile. My hand lost circulation a few times and turned purple, and then, it swelled some. Anyway, I spent a lot of the night on Nick’s bed icing my back and trying to keep up with the conversation around me.
But I effectively scared myself and a few of my good friends last night because I thought about doing something I haven’t thought about doing in a really long time: running to the one person who has hurt me the most.
The very thought stopped me in my tracks. I thought I was over this. I thought I could handle everything collapsing around me without having the urge to go to him this time. I was wrong.
So, God definitely knew what He was doing when He took away my car for the week, or I would have been gone. To further restrain myself, I went as far as giving Chels my phone and unplugging my Internet last night so I couldn’t contact him. Despite the fact that I don’t want anything from him, it is still so easy to slip into these things because they are both comfortable and convenient.
So… yeah, last night was really hard and very eye-opening. And totally unexpected.
But God kept me. He provided good friends who know enough to protect me from myself, and I praise God for that.
This morning, I woke up in a great deal of pain, but I got up and went to my first two classes before finding someone to cover my third class. The physical pain was so great that I’ve become somewhat numb to my emotional pain, which isn’t the best thing, but it’s okay for now – I need a break, to be sure.
The rest of the day was good, though. I finished a book for my history class… I took a long nap… I hung out and talked with good friends that I haven’t seen in a while… I hung out with my roommate (which was really cool because we never see each other). And then, I heard stories about creepy people. 🙂
Anyway, it is now time for me to turn in. All in all, it’s been a good day.
May God satisfy me in the morning with His unfailing love… Amen.
Mood: Peaceful Listening to: Jeremy Camp, Restored
Reading: Hochschild, King Leopold’s Ghost