I was up until 4am last night with little purpose (although fellowship is always great). Even though I knew I wouldn’t fall asleep when I went back to my room, I should have at least tried. Then, my body could have at least relaxed instead of relaxing before being woken back up again to play cards (I beat Chris – he’s bitter) or to do some other thing.
As a result, I slept through both of my morning classes because, when my alarm went off this morning, my body said, “No, you’re really not going to move me” (No, I’m not hearing voices).
The fact that I want an answer to a question, that I’ve been asking for a while now, was pretty obvious last night; it affected my whole mood and made me really irritable (I like being in control – still working on that).
But I know that God is working me into a better state of dependency, which I’m struggling to find because my natural instinct is to figure out everything that I can (and I am unable to do anything in this situation).
And so, I’m tempted to just not care. To crawl up in my bed and shut the world out, to forget I have a lot of work to do. I just can’t focus right now, so that effectively keeps me from working.
I’m just tired – mind, body, and heart. Weary of asking questions that I don’t yet have answers to and of wanting things that I don’t believe I can have (I’m working on taking God out of the box I keep putting Him into).
In the meantime, however, God is still God, and I have to trust that He knows what He’s doing – even when I don’t feel like it.
Anyway… I’m going to crack open my Bible (a good remedy for anything) and sit at my Savior’s feet.
And then, I’m going to go to class… doesn’t quite fit, huh? Didn’t think so.
Mood: Weary Listening to: Foolish Things, Let’s Not Forget the Story
Reading: OT Survey