Along it crawls, up the wall –
Trying harder with every sprawl;
A misstep, a slip, and then a fall.
Now, back where it began.
A few weeks ago, I sat on a couch in Montrose the night before the first day of camp and watched a spider make various attempts to crawl its way up the wall in front of me.
Now, I’m not a big fan of spiders. Personally, I think they are just… wrong in a lot of respects. I mean, c’mon… eight legs? Ick.
But I was fascinated by its trips up and down the wall. The only thing that stopped it was when my brother killed it (or I would never have slept that night).
It simply reminded me of me. I feel so much like I keep starting over, getting a little farther up every time before I come crashing back to where I began. This summer, this has become a point of self-argument, as I feel I keep repeating summers that have come before.
I am discontent with where I am. I have no job (which makes my existence fairly boring) and I have so little self-discipline that I wonder if I learned anything at all this past year (which I did).
I’m ready to be back at school, in the dorms and with classwork to do (I’m a nerd, I know)… but I know that I will simply be starting over again in some regards and I’m not ready yet for the fall down the wall.
When the summer began, I needed to be home in order to rest – to renew my strength and find peace again.
But now, I am simply eager to return to the things from which I needed rest, because their next progression – their next step – weighs heavily on my mind. I can deal with them now – I want to know what happens.
So… maybe I have made it farther up the wall than I think I have. Perhaps, as is often the case, I am not giving myself enough credit where God’s grace in my life is concerned.
But I know that, at some point, a fall is still ahead of me. May I be granted the grace to get back up and try again.
Mood: Contemplative Listening to: Chip Paulson, Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire
Reading: 1 John, Chapter 2