I keep jumping online at random times and attempting to start writing some sort of coherent thoughts down, but I’m afraid I come up empty every time.
The past few weeks have been different, to say the least. For the last week and a half, I have been commuting to Denver to work a temporary position in hopes of paying for rent this month without dipping more into my savings. The extra time spent driving every day (at least three hours) plus the lack of full nights’ sleep have become disastrous on a few occasions, simply because I don’t have enough time when I am at home in the Fort and I’m exhausted so often that it results in tensions and misunderstandings and all sorts of strange stuff.
And, to be honest, I’ve just had a hard time with all of it. It’s hard to be away from Christopher – who I am coming to see more and more as my family; I miss my “family” – I haven’t been able to keep up meetings during the week with the beautiful women that do so much to encourage and challenge me; and I miss working at the Weekly – the one thing that I loved so far in this strange, crazy season.
The strangest thing, though, I think, has just been a spiritual exhaustion – it comes from knowing that I have been trusting in my own ability to keep myself on track and knowing that I need to lean more on the God who loves me and controls my every moment and desires to give good things to His children…
But I’m having the hardest time in trusting Him for a job. Despite how wonderful it would be, Chris and I can’t live on love – and if it is God’s design (for now) that we let Him provide for us by my working, I have a hard time accepting the fact that I can’t seem to find something that I want to actually do, much less a permanent position that will let me do so.
God is still forever faithful, though – and so good! I’ve heard so many incredible messages lately, and I’ve been reminded of how much I love digging into Scripture and the original languages and listening to worship music (I can’t seem to get enough of Jason Morant’s Open). I feel as though I keep failing and He just keeps blessing me with the time and energy that I need to get things done. If only I knew better how to find my rest in Him…
Lately, I’ve tried to rediscover my passion for reading and it’s been such a wonderful thing, though I wish I had more time to do it. I just finished the first of many books I checked out from the library, an expanded version of Madeleine L’Engle’s journals which made me think from the first page to the last (she is so well-read and insightful, though her religious views often seem somewhat skewed, though I cannot judge). And this other book that I’ve been digesting is one that I can only read during daylight hours (and those are severely limited), but it makes me so grateful for my salvation and so heart-broken over how so many people are led so far astray into corrupt and abusive religious systems.
Still in the future lie German, L’Engle – Round Two, a fat book on Christianity and the rest of Krakauer. Before then, however, I’m afraid I must whisk myself away to my room in order to rest myself before my freakishly long day tomorrow. I just pray that God will provide all the energy that I need to finish everything that I must. How wonderful to know that He is faithful!
Ah, goodnight! ‘Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus – oh, for the grace to trust Him more! (I do suppose that is the “remedy.”)
Mood: Sleepy Listening to: My parents talking
Reading: Madeleine L’Engle, A Circle of Quiet