I’m not quite sure how I got to this point, but I’m getting married in what is now less than a week. This thing that has been so far off for the past year and a half is finally going to happen. I get so overwhelmed by emotion sometimes.
But it’s been such an encouragement to see where I’ve been growing in the past few months. There are changes that I’m finally seeing in myself that I never thought would be possible, but that I prayed for anyway.
For one, I am becoming more bold. There’s something that happens when you have to take ownership over your life. There’s a process of growing up that takes away some of the “bashfulness,” as Rick Whitney put it at the Rock Friday night. There’s such a freedom when you begin to come to the realization that God is the source of everything you have and is your only true authority.
But it’s more than being bold. I truly believe that being bold is rooted firmly in self-worth and confidence, based on who I am in relation to Christ. Ironically, boldness and confidence are found in humility. It was so strange to stand on stage last night at the Rock and lead worship with a brother and a sister, and feel fully at ease, yet fully in the presence of God. I didn’t shake nervously during soundcheck or during the first few songs. The only time I began shaking was when I realized I wasn’t!
I am such a long way from where I was four or five years ago, where I would shake out of nervousness, but truly only out of pride – not out of fear or reverence for the One who has given me talents to use for His glory. How gracious our God is!
I do not spend time with the Father in the same ways that I used to. I am sorely lacking in discipline these days, partially due to the long list I am constantly whittling away at for the wedding, partially due to exhaustion, and partially due to laziness. But tonight, I am off to calm my racing mind at my Savior’s feet, where the whole of my being so longs to fall. Perhaps I’ll even write something.
There is so much to be said for discipline, for showing up every day ready to work for the kingdom. I am so often unprepared. Tomorrow will be different.
Mood: Simply Tired Listening to: Last Summer’s Demos
Reading: Not Nearly Enough