noun habitual sleeplessness; inability to sleep
I had no idea the pain could be this strong
I had no idea the nights could last this long
In my darkest fears, the rights become the wrongs
I am still running; I am still running
Build me a home inside Your scars
Build me a home inside Your song
Build me a home inside Your open arms –
the only place I ever will belong
[[Jon Foreman, “I Am Still Running” from Winter]]
The last few weeks have been somewhat brutal. I have redeveloped a level of insomnia that I haven’t seen in myself for four years. Most of the evening is spent in various pursuits before I drag myself to bed thinking that I am finally ready, when I simply wake up all over again.
So many things have been happening… just one after the other. Christopher’s bike was stolen; we had some family issues arise; I misplaced my wallet (which I have yet to find, still); my parents had to put down one of the puppies that they just got because he contracted Parvo virus; I worked almost full-time this week, which is crazy; we started up summer things with the Rock. Lots of changes. Lots of nights weeping as I sat awake into the strange hours of the morning.
And, yet, while I know that God is still in control of all these things, I also know that it has been so easy for me to just want to be numb. There have been a few occasions where I cried out to God that I simply wanted to stop feeling. The emotions came and went, in severe degrees, and in such a multitude of shades that I don’t think I really recognized them all.
I still haven’t reconnected with everything, though. Part of me still so desperately wants to run away and hide until Christ comes to make everything right.
But that’s why the lyrics of this particular song have come to mean so much to me. Though I am numb and hurting, I am still running because Christ has rescued me and, for that, there is no other reason to truly live. I have no other home than in the scars that purchased my life for me, than the arms of the One that have forever been pursuing me to restore me to Himself.
The pain is strong. The nights are long, especially as this insomnia has kicked into full force. My darkest fears have been brought to the surface, as so many things in my life seek to define what is truly ‘right’ as ‘wrong’.
But I am still running, and I will continue to do so until my dying breath, because I know the One that will give it to me – and He will give me the strength to endure.
If you think of it, pray for us. We need to fully lean on Jesus and all He has promised.
Mood: Relaxed Reading: Old thoughts, song lyrics
Listening to: “Feel This” by Bethany Joy Galeotti and Enation