There have been many times over the past few months where I have found myself just sitting and thinking about my life – what it looks like, what it means, how desperately I wish I had power to change things that don’t turn out well, and how incredible it is that I serve a God who hears my every anguished cry, who sees me weeping on the floor and who reads the very turmoil of my heart.
I feel as though I am awakening to new life with Christ all over again. I feel as though I am living as I ought to be living – seeking and even knowing His pleasure and His glory. Until the past week, I hadn’t quite grasped the sweetness in the peace that comes from feeling that I make my Savior smile when I surrender my great love of music to His service. Until the past few months, I don’t think I have truly understood what it meant to be pinned against the wall for what I believe, to be falsely accused, to have people I love not believe the words that come out of my mouth or refuse to hear them.
And yet, the past few months have been incredible. It is as though I have grown five years’ worth in three months’ time. God has preserved me in such incredible ways!
It has certainly not been easy – nothing worth having ever is – and it has certainly carried with it a share of pain that I am not capable of bearing on my own. But my God is faithful! And my God is not a small God!
How incredible it is to realize anew the grandeur of this God! Not only is He capable of doing the little, commonplace things such as finding Christopher a parking spot on his way to class or getting me through a 5-hour practice when I’m extraordinarily exhausted, He is also capable of changing people’s lives eternally. How often I pray to Him as though He is not able!
He is more than able!
And it is my greatest comfort – that while I am face-down garnering carpet imprints, soaking the floor through with my tears and weeping, praying though I can gather no words – that the God I serve is more than able to read the very unutterable prayers of my deepest thoughts and know me so intimately that I don’t even know myself as well; and that He is the same God here as He is in Mongolia, in China, in Austria, in South Africa!
The same God! Loving people everywhere – desiring them to know life through Jesus Christ!
I sense that this post is quickly deteriorating, so perhaps I will stop it here.
Something that I keep chewing on – courtesy of Oswald Chambers – is the idea that we should not look at ourselves as being of use, but that we should remember that everything we are belongs to Him who made us and gave us life. He asks for total abandon.
And, I do suppose, the question we must ask: If we don’t feel useful, are we truly abandoned to Christ and His cause?
It’s just something I’m chewing on. ‘Night.
Mood: Exhausted Listening to: The fan running in our front window
Reading: A Continual Feast by Jan Karon