Could It Be?

I wrote a song almost two weeks ago that has haunted me ever since. I’ve been struggling for the last few months to figure out why I can’t maintain consistency in my walk with God, why I can’t seem to be faithful in the many little things that I try to juggle…

What I am slowly learning, all over again, is that I need to start letting God pick up the things that I feel I need to juggle – in some ways, I need to let them crash to the ground and see what He makes of all of it. I’m overworked, underslept, and spiritually undernourished; and it’s an absolutely horrible combination.

But this song keeps haunting me. I keep asking myself, “Will this be the moment when I feel the nearness of God again?” and “Will this be the night from which I’ll feel new again like I did ten years ago when I accepted Christ as my Savior?” It’s not that God has failed – I’ve simply failed to desire Him whole-heartedly.

I’ve let my gaze drop too many times. I’ve come to think that “I’ve” got it all together after ten years of running this race and seeking God on what I now recognize as often shallow terms. I’ve said “no” to late nights with Him in exchange for meaningless (and unsatisfying) media content.

And it cycles through predictably, as it does in every season of life. I keep thinking that if I get to the next thing, I’ll be more faithful, I’ll be more disciplined – and, again, I’ll finally be more in love with the One who first loved me.

But it’s not about asking myself if this is the moment – it’s about making this the moment. It’s about picking up my Bible when I’d rather watch a TV show. It’s about picking up Tozer when my brain screams at me to pick up my textbook. It’s about spending my late night hours on my knees instead of wandering around looking for something to do until I’m tired enough to sleep.

The revelation that I do not answer to my flesh at the end of things is sinking in deep over the last few days. I will not stand before my flesh and list off the ways I fulfilled its desires! I will stand in front of a living, holy God who secured both my payment and freedom from bondage by no simple offering. And I will answer for, not boast in, the ways I appeased my flesh. Each and every time.

It is easy to learn the doctrine of personal revival and victorious living; it is quite another thing to take our cross and plod on to the dark and bitter hill of self-renunciation. Here many are called and few are chosen. For every one that actually crosses over into the Promised Land there are many who stand for a while and look longingly across the river and then turn sadly back to the comparative safety of the sandy wastes of the old life.

[[from “Born After Midnight,” by A.W. Tozer]]

So, yes it’s true that this moment could be here. Only the passing of time will truly tell if this was the moment I remembered my immense need for a Savior.

But I certainly hope that it is.

For anyone wanting to listen to the rough midnight recording done in our garage, it’s up at my PureVolume page (http://www.purevolume.com/akatereynolds).

Could It Be?
©A. Kate Reynolds (Sept 10, 2009)

Here I am –
Here in this moment I find myself in,
this moment where I might possibly begin
to start over.

Could it be
That this moment so full of possibility,
this moment is where I might finally breathe
without going under?

Could it be that this moment
is where I fall back in love with You?
Could it be that this moment
is where I remember my need?
Could it be?
Could it possibly be?

Here I am –
Here in this place I can’t let You in,
this place where I find I’m dirty and broken
and incomplete.

Could it be
That You could even want this version of me,
this me that You can clearly see
is in need of mercy?

Could it be that this moment
is where I fall back in love with You?
Could it be that this moment
is where I remember my need?
Could it be?
Could it possibly be?

Can it be true that You offer forgiveness?
It’s a beautiful and wonderful truth!
Can it be true You offer me my freedom,
in the knowledge it’s only found in You?

Yet, it’s here!
This moment where I know my Savior
This moment I fall in love like never before –
This moment!
It could possibly be.

Could it be that this moment
is where I lift my eyes off of my feet?
Could it be when I fix my gaze
and forget I was unclean?
Could it be?

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