I cannot begin to describe how fickle my heart is. When it comes to change, to “irresolution, or instability,” and to not remaining “constant or loyal in affections,” I fear I have become quite adept at having a fickle heart.
I’m not quite sure I know what I want out of life. My affections change daily. One day, I am entirely enraptured by my program of study in getting my master’s degree; the next, I am antsy and simply cannot wait to be done. One day, I weep at the knowledge that I am saved by the grace of a living and loving God; the next, I act as though I have no idea of who He is or the fact that He wants to spend time with me.
My heart is capricious in every form:
“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?” [[Jeremiah 17:9]]
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
Perhaps the biggest thing I’ve noticed lately is that I seem “stupidly confused” and “muddled.” I don’t act intelligently. It appears that I can’t even decipher truth and keep myself from falling into pits of despair when lies present themselves before me.
I have forgotten who I am, and especially who God views me as – a beloved daughter, a righteous saint! Instead, I am caught up in who (and what) I’m not – perfect. I see my imperfections at every turn in my lack of desire, my selfish tendencies, and my seeming inability to be faithful.
My weakness, I feel, I must finally show
All of this leads me, naturally to the place where I have such little faith in what I don’t know. For instance, I have no idea just what God has planned for me when I finish this program – I don’t even know if I’ll have a job next semester! And, yet, I’ve stumbled so often in trying to plan around these great unknowns, rather than trusting the One who knows them all.
Therein lies my greatest weakness. I fail to trust God.
It seems as though it would come intrinsically enough for me, someone raised in a Christian home and who has seen God’s provision and direction for 25 years… But I’ve rarely seen my own need as much as I have of late.
And the exposure to my need has revealed that I do not trust God as I ought. It is so much easier to “lean on my own understanding,” as Proverbs says. It is too easy to see myself as wise and capable than it is to turn over all that I do not know to someone else.
But lend me your heart and I’ll just let you fall
There is a blessed sweetness in fellowship. Inside of it, there seems to be the ability to conquer anything and everything that comes our way. But, even with others by my side, I look to our ability to conquer – not God’s. If left to me, I would “just let you fall.” I cannot conquer on my own. In all honesty, I’m beginning to believe that I cannot conquer at all.
“If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy, I could have won.”
[[Mumford & Sons, “I Gave You All”]]
The reason is simply that I’m apathetic – and I’d love to know why. Perhaps I am ignoring the raging battle that pits joy against my depressive tendencies. Perhaps I indulge my flesh more than I ought. Perhaps I do not know what true desire looks like.
But it tends to follow me, this apathy. I long to long for Christ, yet I find it difficult to obtain. My apathy is my biggest enemy, and that means I have a lengthy and difficult battle ahead of me. I can’t let it keep winning. There is no victory if I let it win, and I have been called to victory:
“… in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.” [[Romans 8:37]]
It is not unusual for me to desire new eyes. I have been legally blind since middle school and have had a desire to see without aid for many of those years.
But in my physical blindness, I have failed to see my spiritual blindness. I need new eyes! The thing is that I can’t just pop them in like I do with my contacts – I need the scales to be lifted from my heart. I cannot continue in apathy and expect to see the glorious grace that God has bestowed upon both my life and the world around me.
Anyone who knows me well understands that I see life rather negatively. It is unusual for me to experience lightness and freedom of heart, and it is far more usual for me to feel the burden and weight of what seems to be the whole world on my shoulders. Life is a responsibility to me – and only when the responsibility is covered do I feel I can actually experience freedom.
Sadly, these times are few and far between. I do not understand freedom, or joy, or lightness of heart with enough frequency even to know what they look like.
“Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.” [[Psalm 42:11, 43:5]]
So, if you think about it, please join me in praying that I might learn what freedom and joy look like – that I might abandon my apathy and understand a desire that leads to action and to the feet of Christ. It has been far too long since I sat at His feet and let myself simply be.
For you were made to meet your Maker.